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Specialized & Susan G. Komen for the Cure's Journal
Dreaming
posted by at 04:12 PM on July 28, 2008
Last night I had a dream that I was riding my bike. It was a great! I was riding with friends from work and we were doing the reservoir lunch ride. I could vividly see the pavement under my tires as the miles rolled by and feel myself rolling over the pavement, shifting as we hit the hills. That was such a great dream!! It’s amazing how your mind works. I needed that dream . . . the last couple days have been tough.
I’m home from the hospital and recovering from my surgery . . . bilateral mastectomy with an immediate TRAM reconstruction. My surgeon had to tell my husband that they did find cancer in my sentinel nodes which moves me to Stage 2 breast cancer. Not the news that we were looking for as this means that I will now have to undergo chemo. I’m still fortunate that we caught this cancer “early stage”, but now it means that my kids will witness it more with my hair loss and other side effects the chemo brings. My husband and I have been very open with our kids about what is happening and they have been incredible but I’m worried about how they will react to seeing Mom lose her hair and become weak and/or sick from the chemo. That is a different thing to have to take in for a 10 and 12 year old. When I heard the news I tried to cry. I say tried because I couldn’t – I was so stitched up from my surgery and in such pain that it hurt to cry so I had to settle for a sad wailing sound. I could see the pain in my husband’s eyes. For someone that has attempted to stand strong so far, this was the blow that I was hoping to avoid, and it hit me hard.
But, just like falling off a bike, you have to get right back on and ride and that is what I’m doing now. I’ve “accepted” the news as best as I can and am now moving on to tackle my next phase in this battle against cancer. I’ll be damned if I’m going to let this get me. I am reminded of the saying that Kaiser has for one of their ads. “I have cancer – it doesn’t have me”.
I’ve been limited as far as my physical activity goes but I can walk and that is what I am doing. At first, it was more like a shuffle, but each day I go a little further and each day my stride gets stronger. Walking is good for me mentally and physically. It gets the blood flowing which will help in my healing. As I walk around my cul-de-sac (I’ve already figured each time I do one lap it is ¼ mile), I think how much my life has changed in the last several months. I have really come to realize how truly lucky I am – I have had such a tremendous amount of support from friends and family that I cannot even put into words how grateful and appreciative that makes me feel. No one ever wants cancer, but the last few months have really made me look at my life and I have to say that life is good. I will never ever take what I have for granted. When I say what I have, I don’t mean the material things. I mean things like family, friends, the small gestures that people make that say “I’m here and I care”, and being lucky enough to have been diagnosed early and given a second chance.
I’m ready to take on the chemo.
categories: General
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Comments (1)
09:45 PM on July 31, 2008 UTC Rachael Lambert wrote:
We are all also waiting/dreaming for the day (that is coming soon) you get to come back and ride with us.